


Merry Assmas, Ya Filthy Animals!

by DiqazonQueen



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Christmas Crack, Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 23:31:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17151101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiqazonQueen/pseuds/DiqazonQueen
Summary: Well.





	Merry Assmas, Ya Filthy Animals!

**Author's Note:**

> By Emma S. (me) and Tasha H.

It hit the month of December quicker than Rick shooting his sperm inside of Michonne. It was that time of year again...Christmas. Rick, Michonne and Siddiq were about to put up the decorations for Judith with Daryl wanting to help as well. They were in the holiday spirit and they let Daryl out of the cupboard under the stairs to help them decorate, just this once.

Michonne went downstairs to put little RJ down for a nap, while Rick, Siddiq, and Daryl went into the attic to bring down the rest of the decorations. Suddenly, Daryl tripped on a strap-on that was lying on the floor in the attic, and he produced a green gas cloud from his rectum in shock. Daryl's discovery led them to a box of old sex toys and outfits that Rick and Michonne used to use before Siddiq came along.

“Wtf,” said Siddiq, looking at Rick with his infamous Diq face. He noticed the two (pretty ugly) officer uniforms from when Rick and Michonne were constables at Alexandria.

Rick just looked at Siddiq with his infamous head tilt and said, “Ha, I kinda forgot we had these up here! Don’t be mad, baby. We just used to be really frisky.” He kissed Siddiq on the cheek.

Meanwhile, Daryl was acting like a kid on Christmas morning and was already digging through the box to see just what was specifically in there. His face lit up like the Grinch when he came across a leather whip. He grunted like a caveman and held it up to Rick, his cocktail sausage getting tingly.

Rick explained how he and Michonne would pretend to try and tame each other and have the other one be really dominant. He laughed and thought it wouldn’t hurt to spend five minutes with Siddiq and Daryl reliving those good times. But five minutes quickly turned into thirty as the three of them started playing around with vibrators, dildos, ropes, and whatever other sex toys they could find.

Downstairs, Michonne was thinking that Rick, Daryl, and Siddiq were just sorting out the decorations in the attic, when there was a knock on the door.

“Hey, it’s a familiar face coming back to visit!” said the visitor, holding up his knife as a hello. It was Michael Myers! He was dressed as Santa, but was still wearing his mask.

“Hello, Michael. It’s good to see you again. Rick will love this,” Michonne said as she gave him a big hug.

Judith then ran into the room, screaming, “Santaaaaaaa!” as she ran up to hug Michael as well. She looked closely at him and added, “Wow, you’re even uglier than I thought.”

“Hey Judes, it’s me, Michael,” he said, smiling as he took off his Santa hat.

“Lol, Michael, are you here to kill Daryl?” the little girl asked.

“Hehe, maybe,” Michael replied. “I’m actually here to see your dad for Christmas.”

“Great! You should scare him and hide in the tree. He’s just getting the rest of the decorations down with uncle Siddiq and Daryl,” Judith told him as she grabbed his hand just like she grabbed Magna’s.

As Michael hid in the tree, Rick, Daryl, and Siddiq finally came back downstairs with the rest of the decorations after frolicking around in the attic for the past half hour.

“If you guys pass them up to me, Judith and I can start hanging them on the tree,” Rick said.

“Hehe, okay, daddy,” Judith giggled. Rick wondered why she was laughing and looked at Michonne suspiciously. She shrugged her shoulders.

Rick went to place an ornament on the tree, but when he did, it got knocked off the branch. When he tried again with a different ornament, it happened again. Everyone could hear giggling.

“It’s coming from the tree,” Siddiq said.

Rick looked into the tree, thinking Judith was pranking him, when all of a sudden Michael grabbed him and pulled him through!

“Jesus Christ!” Rick said as Daryl started grunting ferociously.

Rick’s belt had gotten caught in one of the branches and caused his jeans to fall down past his waist, making him look like a true rapper with saggy pants, but he was oblivious. He was already Ricky Dicky Doo Dog Grimes, of course.

“Hey, it’s me,” Michael said. “Sorry, babe. Grabbing people from the shadows is how I say hello, lol.”

Surprised, Rick tilted his head at Michael. “Wtf are you doing in my house? I thought you only come out at Halloween?”

“I thought I’d come visit you for Christmas. I killed everyone in Haddonfield again so I was free and hey, I could kill someone else for you.” Michael gestured in Daryl’s direction.

Rick smirked. “Maybe later.”

Daryl looked over at them like in the gif of George Clooney behind the hedges.

Michonne asked Michael if he would like to stay for Christmas and informed him that they were going to be hosting a Christmas party in two days. Michael agreed, but since no one else knew him in Alexandria, they took a break in decorating the tree so Judith could hold Michael’s hand and show him around town. When they returned, Michael decided to hang out with Daryl. Daryl thought it was because Michael fancied him, and his cocktail weiner got erect, but little did he know, Michael was planning his death.

They finished decorating the tree. When Rick lifted Judith so she could put the angel on top, his pants fell down to his ankles, and Michonne and Siddiq glared at him, ready to punish him yet again.

* * *

 The day before the Christmas party, Rick, Michonne, and Siddiq decided to go caroling. Thanks to Angela Kang, it was snowing outside, making Alexandria look like Bedford Falls. They dropped Judith and RJ off at Aaron’s, the resident one-armed gay bearded lumberjack being their trusted babysitter for occasions such as this, when the three polyamorous Neapolitan musketeers set out to wreak havoc on the universe.

After mommy, daddy, and uncle Diq promised Judith and RJ they’d be back soon and kissed them goodbye, Aaron got the kids settled, sat Gracie down with them, and put a Christmas movie on for them. He went to get them snacks, which took a little longer now than it did when he had two normal hands. It was better now that he had a mechanical arm, but that took some getting used to, too.

And it wouldn’t be long before things changed once again. Aaron put his non-robot hand on his six-month-pregnant belly. He didn’t know if the baby was Jesus’ or Siddiq’s.

 

In the streets of Alexandria, Rick, Siddiq, and Michonne linked their arms together and did a skip like in the intro to “Laverne and Shirley” before they walked up to someone’s house. Nobody answered even after they took turns knocking on the door, so they started singing their Christmas songs anyway. After a while, a little toddler girl tiptoed into view. Rick, Siddiq, and Michonne were crowded around the windows, belting it out.

The little girl had caramel skin and brown eyes and was wearing pink footie pajamas. She looked like Cindy Lou Who, only fathered by Siddiq. She stared at her hoe dad with an expression reminiscent of disgusted Clint Eastwood.

Siddiq urged Rick and Michonne along, and off they went to the next house. The three of them attempted to go through their holiday catalog during their night of caroling, including fucked-up renditions of “The 12 Days of Christmas” and “Do You Hear What I Hear”, as well as a cover of “Oh, Holy Night” called “Oh, Holey Night”, only to encounter the same sight at every house they visited: a child who was very clearly Siddiq’s.

Rick and Michonne weren’t upset with their lover for spreading it around, because repopulating the earth was an important job, and they didn’t want another baby at the moment. RJ and Judith were enough for them, and even though they had a ton of sex, Rick’s pull-out game had improved greatly. They were fine with sharing Siddiq because everyone deserved a piece of diq.

Still, they spanked his bony ass that night anyway.

* * *

It was the day of the party, and last-minute preparations were underway. RJ and Judith were being babysat by Aaron again, who decided it would be best that he didn’t attend the party due to his pregnancy, since parties hosted by Rick, Siddiq, and Michonne got notoriously crazy.

The three of them decided to be nice to Daryl again and allowed him to attend the party. Michael was hopefully still planning his demise anyway. However, Alden was not invited and was responsible for cleaning up after the party.

Unfortunately, the same incompetent guard who was incapable of locking cells was on Negan duty for the party, and unsurprisingly, the cell was left unlocked. Negan escaped and did his favorite things to do, aside from murdering: breaking into Siddiq’s Diqazon stash and dressing himself in drag.

The event was in full swing when Negan showed up. It was a party he wasn’t invited to – again – and he was dressed in drag – again – like Andrew in drag.

“Santa Claus has arrived!” Negan announced as he strutted into the party like he was on RuPaul. It was in the living room of Rick and Michonne’s house, with their beautifully decorated Christmas tree in the corner. The ex-Savior leader was wearing a sexy, slutty Santa dress that was several sizes too small. The outfit was designed to enhance a woman’s cleavage, so it squeezed Negan’s bony pecs together so hard that he feared his ribs would crack. His taco meat was spilling out over the low-cut front of the dress. His beard was long and white, like Santa’s, and he wore Saint Nick’s red hat as well. However, instead of black boots, Negan had opted for high heels. Stilettos, to be exact.

Everyone stared at him like unblinking china dolls. Even Siddiq looked horrified.

Negan was also carrying a big bag over his shoulder like Santa. He did his signature backbend and dumped the sack’s contents onto the floor. What looked like a ton of multicolored bath bombs came tumbling out of the bag.

“Ho ho ho!” Negan cackled like the deranged mall Santa in “A Christmas Story”.

“Those aren’t bath bombs!” Siddiq urged everyone toward the door. “Those are Diqazon bombs!”

But it was too late. Negan had already locked the door, and the Diqazon bombs burst as soon as they hit the floor and were filling the room with a hugh af haze that everyone was inhaling, whether they wanted to or not.

Thanks to the Diqazon, Daryl was “hallucinating” Big Bird. Seeing his long lost muppet lover again made his cocktail sausage as hard as a rock. Daryl bent over and showed his ANUS! to Big Bird. Big Bird took his PENIS! out of his feathers.

“Give me that Penis!, Big Bird!” Daryl demanded. His lover obliged and inserted his heavenly 11-inch bird cock! into Daryl’s explosive derriere.

Speaking of heavenly experiences, Father G was tripping balls and was thinking that Jesus Christ was paying him a visit, because he saw a shirtless, long-haired figure nearing him out of the Diqazon fog. Father G threw out his arms and offered himself to the Lord.

Suddenly, Paul “Jesus” Rovia, who wasn’t dead, yelled, “That’s not Jesus! That’s Chris Cornell!” He seemed hypnotized by their visitor’s six-pack abs. Christ was sexy.

Sure enough, it was indeed the ghost(?) of the grunge icon. Christ Cornell did not say a word as He came up to Father G, just opened His mouth and produced a scream like at 4:40 in Jesus Christ Pose that was so awe-inspiring and powerful that it did the unimaginable to Father G.

The great force of Christ Cornell’s scream stimulated the follicles on the priest’s bald, black Mr. Clean head and caused him to start sprouting hair like a Chia pet! Soon, he was rocking a magnificent ‘fro like Michael Jackson in the Jackson 5.

“Thank you, Mr. Cornell! Seattle rules!” Father G shouted as he patted his new afro.

Christ Cornell didn’t say anything, just nodded at Gabriel and floated back up into the sky with His wavy, uncombed Jesus hair fluttering behind him.

Father G continued marveling at his spectacular afro. What a wondrous Christmas gift he had received from Christ Cornell! He couldn’t wait to show Rosita. She wouldn’t have to slap the hell out of his bald head during sex anymore.

It took him a while to find Rosita since they were all hugh af and the party had dissolved into chaos, even though they were _probably_ hallucinating everything, but when he finally located his girlfriend, his jaw almost hit the ground like a yo-yo.

Rosita was as pregnant as Octomom! And she was pegging Siddiq! And Eugene was watching and masticating!

Father G just didn’t know what to think. The four members of the love rhombus on crack stared at each other for several long moments.

“You were in the middle of something?” Father G finally said.

Rosita paused in fucking Siddiq with her monster strap-on. The fake penis! was pink and yellow. Then, she started shaking like she had Parkinson’s!

“KRAKATOA!” she screamed. Her enormous pregnant belly lit up like a Christmas tree, with red and green lasers shooting out of it. At the same time, the oversized litter of children in her uterus decided it was time for a mass exodus and babies started exiting her hoo-ha rapidly like her body was a cannon!

The infant explosion sent dozens of newborns crashing into Eugene, Siddiq, and Father G at breakneck speeds. Siddiq thought, _Not again!_ as more of his kids kept flying out and knocked him backwards into the Christmas tree. At least they weren’t spiders.

The Christmas tree toppled over and Rick’s ass sucked it up like a Hoover vacuum, with all the ornaments and the presents under the tree included. He was on the floor near the tree, having sex with Michonne.

Michael Myers walked into the room, not having been put off by the locked door. He unlocked it himself, of course. He glanced at the scene and walked out again.

Big Bird was still fucking Daryl.

“OH, BIG BIRD! I LOVE YOUR PENIS(!)!” Daryl yelled out as he hit climax, one diddly little drop of cum oozing out of his undersized diddly-wink. His orgasm caused his assplosives to activate. Daryl went zooming around the room like the bat in that Irish family’s kitchen, until he saw Siddiq and Michonne trying to pull the Christmas tree out of Rick’s behind and he thought he ought to be useful for once in his life and help them.

Daryl swooped down to the floor and put his hands on the tree trunk, ready to pull, but then his assplosives flared up again!

Daryl held onto the tree trunk for dear life as his caboose fired up aggressively, taking him and Rick right up, up, up through the roof! They shot into the night sky like Daryl’s ass was a rocket launcher.

 

Aaron heard a noise that sounded suspiciously like a rocket taking off and took RJ, Gracie, and Judith outside with him to investigate.

“Is that Santa?” Gracie wondered, peering up at the two vaguely human-shaped figures that were drifting through the sky. It was snowing gently.

RJ giggled and pointed upward. “That’s daddy!”

“Ho ho ho!” Rick was going to be stuck high in the air for as long as Daryl’s assplosives were powering them, because Daryl couldn’t control his rectum rockets, so he figured he’d make the most of it. Unless he could get the Christmas tree out of his heinie, of course. “Merry Christmas, RJ and Judith!” He shook a couple of presents loose from his bunghole so they would fall down to the ground for his kids. He let another one plop out for Gracie, too.

Judith eagerly tore the wrapping off her present. It was a framed picture of her lying on the steps and holding her gun, ready to blow someone’s head off, with “Merry Christmas, Judy! Love, Mommy, Daddy, Uncle Siddiq, and RJ” written on it.

“Thank you, daddy! I love it!” she yelled up to her dad. Siddiq and Michonne returned from the crazy Christmas party just in time to watch the kids open their presents.

RJ got a Casper the friendly ghost plushie, which definitely wasn’t because of those ghost theories or anything, and he hugged it close to him as soon as he ripped off the wrapping paper.

“Awwwwwwwww,” Rick, Michonne, Siddiq, Aaron, Judith, and Gracie said in unison. Daryl grunted.

Gracie’s present was a mini mechanical arm that she could put over her tiny hand to be like her pregnant one-armed dad.

Rick really wanted to go back down to earth to be with his family. He traveled for a few more minutes with Daryl, sporadically dropping gifts off at houses, until he saw a large snowbank. He strained with all the strength he could muster, like he was pushing a big turd out, until the tree slid out of his rectum, sending both Rick and Daryl falling into the snowbank.

“See you later, Daryl!” Rick shouted as he made a beeline for his neighborhood, leaving Daryl laying face-down in the snow like a slug. It was his only defense.

* * *

 After the Christmas party was finished and everyone managed to sober up from inhaling Diqazon fumes from the bombs that Negan had devilishly dropped on everyone, they were all back at their homes enjoying the night. Rick was having more sex with Michonne because he was a thirsty whore who didn't know anything else. The kids were asleep after a long, tiring day. Siddiq was counting babies with Rosita, who just wasn’t interested in Father G anymore because she couldn’t resist Dr. Diq and his colossal caramel crotch cannon, despite the fact that he was the town whore and had more kids than Jim-Bob Duggar. Luckily for her, Rick and Michonne were fine with sharing Siddiq, as long as he still made time for their nightly Neapolitan cuddles. However, Siddiq kept on losing count of all of their babies so he had to restart over and over again.

 _Damn, my powerful caramel skyscraper tallywhacker,_ he thought to himself.

Rosita was like an octopus managing to multitask looking after God knows how many babies since Siddiq couldn’t put an accurate number on them. Eugene was playing with Father G because it was the only thing they could think of to do after both tasting rejection from Rosita. Father G was braiding Eugene’s hair after learning how from braiding Rosita’s, but due to his frustration over being rejected, he kept on pulling too hard, making Eugene spout noises like in the kazoo version of “My Heart Will Go On”.

“Sorry,” Gabe said.

“Don’t be sorry,” Eugene replied. Both men, feeling emasculated, started sobbing hysterically like the black guy in the “Best Cry Ever” video. They were so damn loud that Daryl thought Big Bird was coming back to get him out of the snow Rick had dumped him in. It had been over four hours and by now, Daryl was looking like Jack Frost. All of sudden, he heard a loud swooshing sound and said, “Big Bird, my big yellow butterfly, is that you?”

But it wasn’t Big Bird. In fact, it was Michael Myers, dressed up as Santa, being pulled in a sleigh by his zombie reindeer! In a blink of an eye, they ran over Daryl like he was the grandma who got run over by a reindeer before flying up up up into the sky again. Daryl now looked like a melted Yule log. The reindeer decided that just trampling Daryl wasn’t good enough, so they all shat on him, too. Daryl was now as dead as the Caryl ship.

Later that night, because Michael was a ninja, he climbed down Rick and Michonne’s chimney with Daryl’s decapitated head, as he was planning to deliver it to them as a Christmas present. He stuck it in the fridge on a plate, like in a scene from Jason. Daryl’s head looked like it had been chucked in toxic waste since Daryl always looked – and smelled – like it when he was alive, and still did in death.

With his handwriting looking he had Parkinson’s, Michael left a note for Rick and Michonne that said “YoUR’e wELcOmE BaBY, I lOVe YoU” before heading off for the night.

Rick and Michonne would have a lovely surprise waiting for them in the morning, that is, if they remembered to open the fridge, since their breakfast usually consisted of a sausage, bacon, and mayo filled McMuffin. It was very late, and they were finally getting into bed with Siddiq.

“Ho ho ho!” Rick said as they got ready to make their nightly Neapolitan ice cream bar. “Merry Assmas to all, and to all a good fuck!”

FIN.


End file.
